Surviving Your 20s: Quarter Life Crisis

Let me guess, you feel stagnant, lost and like you’re falling behind even though you’re only about 30? Me too, so let me be the first to say, you’re not alone in this quarter life crisis.

When I first felt these feelings, I had moved back home after college and I had already been through 3 jobs. I was single, but in a situationship with someone who was just as lost as me emotionally. And the only reason I didn’t classify as broke was because my parents let me live at home rent free.

My friendships felt empty. All of the jobs felt unfulfilling. The situationship I was in was exhausting. Overall, I didn’t like where my life was headed, but I knew I was destined for more. I went from being this vivacious, ambitious visionary in college to settling for less and feeling stuck. And to make matters worse, it seemed as if everyone else was moving out, getting their dream jobs with the big bucks and finding the love of their life.

And that’s great, but I felt like I was constantly hitting a wall.

Fast forward to the present day, I’m 28 and 30 is disrespectfully knocking at my door.

God has blessed me immensely in so many ways. I moved into my own apartment at 25. My friend group settled into place. I decided to honor myself and stop dating weirdos. And I found a good job with great benefits.

But over the years I’ve found myself falling right back into that place: feeling stuck and stagnant.

Chances are if you’re reading this, you may be feeling the same.

But there’s a silver lining. Life may feel like it’s falling apart and together all in the same breath, but I’ve been here before. And I come equipped with some helpful tools and advice.

What Is A Quarter Life Crisis?

I’m a firm believer that in order to get to the root of a problem, you have to first know what the problem is.

In this case, we should define what a quarter life crisis is.

Similar to what we know as a midlife crisis, the QLC is a period when someone feels intense sadness and a lack of fulfilment in their current life. Unlike the midlife crisis, it happens between the ages of 25-35 and it often triggers excessive worrying about the future. During this time, a lot of things happen. But mostly chaos, confusion, and crying in the car. See what I did there- alliteration? But the sad part is that I’m not even joking.

Typically it’s a period where one feels a sense of panic and urgency to figure out a deeper meaning for their life because it appears that their peers already have it together. We will discuss why comparison is a big no-no in a little bit. But overall it’s a time when you realize your life is nowhere near as cool as you’d hope it would be. Leading you to go into a deep state of soul searching and what I like to call “purpose panicking.” All of a sudden, you’re trying to find your “why” and what amazing things you could contribute to the world. All while it seems like everyone is living their best life and things just came easier for them.

There’s an upside and a downside to this QLC thing. Let’s start with the bad news first.

The Comparison Trap

Ah, comparison. If I had a dollar for every time I felt God grab me by my collar over my comparing myself to others, I would probably be writing this blog on a yacht somewhere. But it is vital to bring up the comparison trap we fall into when going through a QLC. Comparison is probably the biggest chunk of the problem at hand because it amplifies your feelings of stagnation and impatience. It tricks you into thinking you’ve somehow missed the mark and that your peers are ahead of you.

Allow me to let you in on a secret: they’re not. A lot of people are just faking it for social media and for validation from others. You don’t know their stories or how they got there. And I bet you’re so busy focusing on how they got what they have, you don’t even realize the chaos of comparison and feelings of resentment you’re stirring up in your own life.

When I moved back home from college, I was fresh out of an abusive relationship. Believe me, I’m rubbing my hands like Birdman. I can’t wait to tell that story, but the point is I spent a lot of time building myself back up and healing. So much that I started resenting the fact that God had me focused on healing for as long as I had. It felt like while I was healing, everyone must’ve taken secret masterclasses on learning stocks, buying properties, saving and navigating life in their 20s.

I felt lost and far behind. Everyone else was living their best life and I was just healing from my trauma.

Compared to the Called

But I didn’t realize then that healing is a whole flex. I wasn’t wasting my time, God was creating space for me. While I was comparing myself to people who were out partying, spending money they didn’t really have on trips and getting in and out of toxic relationships, God was working on me behind the scenes. He was creating a healed, purposeful version of me that is able to share my testimony because I did the work.

My story reminds me a lot of the story of Eli’s Wicked Sons in 1 Samuel 2:12-36. Long story short, Eli’s sons were some screw ups. They were sinful and lustful. They were out here wildin’ to put it nicely. But Samuel on the other hand was inside, learning and growing in his faith in favor with God and men. Like pre-teen Jesus in Luke 2:49-52, Samuel was going through a molding season.

Sarah Jakes Roberts explains this so well in her sermon “Now Won’t Let Me Go.” During a molding season, God isolates you, and during this isolation period you may feel like you’re in the dark and left out. But really something beautiful is taking place. You’re transitioning like a butterfly in its cocoon, waiting to spread your wings and bloom. And during this season you’re constantly thinking about what’s next, while side-eyeing your peers who seem to be doing way more than you. But we often don’t realize that God is writing our story so beautifully and meticulously.

Greater is God that’s in you than the anxious, uncertainty around. I mention more about the anxiety surrounding comparison here.

God’s Plan In The Quarter Life Crisis

I think we finally made it through the rough patches and now we can finally get to to the happy ending. If you haven’t caught on already, having faith is a major part of navigating through a quarter life crisis. Whenever I needed guidance, wisdom and comfort, I turned to Jesus and He helped me change my perspective and feelings of being stuck.

It turns out that a QLC isn’t so bad after all. If anything, it’s an indication that you want more out of your life and that you’re constantly looking to grow. And in order to grow, God has to strip us of certain things to make us new. Whether it’s finances, relationships, jobs, etc. You have to shed some skin and grow in your cocoon for a season in order to bloom.

What do you do when a necklace or cord is tangled? If you’re anything like me, chances are you get angry, you tug at it, maybe even have a 20 something year old temper tantrum. But eventually, you calmy sit there, steady your breathing and realign your focus. And you realize the only way to get it untangled is to patiently, calmy and strategically untangle it. That is what you do in your life when you feel stuck as well.

The Loose Threads..

You don’t go at any and everything full fledge. Chances are if you’re feeling stuck, you’re really just overwhelmed, unorganized and panicked because you don’t have a plan. You have to treat your life like that piece of jewelry or that cord. Sit down, strategically and patiently figure out your next steps. And eventually you’ll see it wasn’t as tangled as you thought it was. You just needed to relax and show it some love and attention.

And if all else fails, remind yourself that Jesus was a carpenter and his ministry didn’t start until He was 30. Who are we to rush anything?