6 am on a work day and God yanked me awake with the dreaded words “you need to forgive your family.”
I felt my spirit about to come through with a rebuttal, but instead I felt a stillness and a peace.
And that was the day I decided to embark on my forgiveness journey.
Spring Cleaning
But let’s slow things down a bit. It’s Spring and that means it’s time for Spring cleaning. Cleaning out your closets, dumping old moldy food containers out of the back of your fridge and taking out the trash.
But spring cleaning doesn’t just include cleaning and clearing out your physical space. It also includes cleaning your mental and emotional space.
What a perfect time to talk about forgiveness and the cleansing it brings with it.
We’re going into a very celebratory season where a lot of people are going to be celebrating and honoring graduates, birthdays and mothers and fathers soon.
This time of year can dig up a lot of unresolved resentment, anger and trauma. A mother/father wound cuts so deep for many because parents are the first people you’d expect to trust; you would expect that they would protect you and not cause you any harm. Our parents are the ultimate relationships for us. But so many have suffered from trauma and abuse at the hands of their parents.
And so many have yet to forgive our parents.
I’ll keep it cute and short to the point because this isn’t just about parental figures. View your parents as adults and not just your parents. They’re human just like you’re human. And just like you screw up everyday, they did and they do too. Like I said, this isn’t entirely about parents. Of course, apply this advice to whomever you need to.
The Journey Begins
2020 taught a lot of gut wrenching lessons but it was a year where I was forced to still myself and look at the bigger picture.
I think it taught us all that life is way too short. When I think of everyone who I was angry at or hurt by and consider how there were so many lives lost and lives taken, it all seems so small and insignificant.
So when I started to rebut against God’s request, I didn’t because I knew there was a reason greater than my attitude behind it.
My Story
Truth is, before the pandemic I had a falling out with several of my family members on both sides. Everything from dishonesty and cattiness to someone close to me being really inappropriate and making me feel uncomfortable. That escalated quickly didn’t it? So does all the heaviness that comes with not forgiving.
I was minding my business when I first heard that someone close to me had been bad mouthing me and lying on me to other family members. Almost like spreading high school rumors – bad mouthing me. Things that you wouldn’t want your parents to hear – bad mouthing. We had no issues amongst us at the moment so this all came out of left field when I heard about it.
To make matters worse, I kept hearing a lot of random stories floating around the family about myself. Being in a black family is similar to a game of telephone. You tell one person one thing and the whole story is jacked up by the time it gets to the next person.
To make matters even worse, I had members of the family making me feel like I was being over dramatic for shutting this person out. For the most part, I’m quiet, I mind my business and I stay to myself. Very odd one out, black sheep energy if you will.
So you could only imagine how hurt, frustrated and angry I was. I spent about a year not talking to this person, and several months distancing myself from my family because I was just over it.
On the other hand I had someone else make me feel extremely uncomfortable and violated because they made an inappropriate advance at me. I was over all of my family, even people who did absolutely nothing wrong. Let’s just say the pandemic and social distancing came at the right time.
When Forgiveness Calls
Throughout the time, I would get triggered from any little thing and I’d be mad all over again. My anger and frustration was with me in my cubicle at work. It tucked me into bed at night. It was with me as I cleaned my home. As you can see, the spirit of resentment and unforgiveness stalked me everywhere I went. So I couldn’t dispute God’s request that morning because honestly, I was tired. I’m naturally a very loving person, so for me to carry around various amounts of hostility was exhausting. I had to forgive.
From the moment I woke up that morning, I was looking for God in every opportunity to show me how to forgive. And did He come through. Transformation Church started a series called Forgiveness University that week. I kept coming across podcast episodes and bible scriptures about forgiving. God pretty much gave me the cheat code, and for that I am grateful. But it wasn’t a walk in the park.
Forgiveness is a journey, you don’t wake up one day and decide to forgive and everything goes away. It’s a process and an adventure where you have to decide that you are going to forgive even when your mouth says it and your heart doesn’t really mean it. Or even if you still have moments of feeling triggered.
Forgiveness In The Bible
One of the scriptures that read me to filth was Colossians 3: 12-13. It states:
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:12-13 NIV
It reminded me how we always expect God to forgive us over and over again for all of our sins, but we don’t want to extend that same grace and mercy to others.
We have a habit of wanting people to suffer before we extend grace. It’s almost like we want them to feel everything we’ve felt, we want their life to fall apart, we want other people to distance themselves from them. We want them to hurt so badly to the point they have no other choice but to apologize.
You may NEVER get an apology.
But you can’t measure your level of forgiveness and grace to someone based on how much they’ve suffered or whether or not they dish out an apology to you.
Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Colossians 3:23-24
I love this verse, because although it doesn’t directly follow the verse mentioned above, it is a follow up to the verse. We have to forgive as God has forgiven us, and we have to work at forgiving with all of our heart. Meaning, it’s not going to be easy. You will have to constantly renew your vow to forgive. You may backslide and you might want to curse them out, but it’s all for a bigger purpose.
And that is why forgiveness has to be for YOU.
Not for an apology from them, or so they can feel less guilty.
9 times out of 10, people are going to be okay whether you forgive them or not. They can go on living their lives not even considering the effects of their actions or words.
Spiritual Bypassing
There is a term called “Spiritual Bypassing” – it is essentially a way of covering up your feelings and emotions with the word of God or other spiritual practices.
For example, you’re feeling anxious and on the verge of an anxiety attack, but in that moment you automatically cover your anxious feelings with the “Do not be anxious about anything” scripture.
I want to make sure I acknowledge this term because it is used a lot when practicing forgiveness. And it can easily put a strain on your relationship with God if you assume you’re supposed to skip past your emotions. Yes, the word of God calls us to love and forgive one another, but you are human. Getting betrayed sucks, always having to be the bigger person is exhausting and forgiveness requires you to be vulnerable. But you have to allow yourself to feel everything that you are feeling or you will start carrying a resentment for God.
God is not calling you to be this emotionally invincible, spirit-led person who isn’t allowed any humanity. He’s just calling you to trust that He can work with your circumstances.
Forgiveness vs Reconciliation
Both forgiveness and reconciliation are usually mixed up and assumed to be the same thing when in fact they are two totally different things. A person doesn’t even have to know that you are forgiving them in forgiveness, but reconciliation usually means that you have chosen to make amends and restore the relationship you once had. Both require a level of vulnerability, but reconciliation is circumstantial. You are not required to restore a relationship with someone who has wronged you. You can forgive, wish them well and move on with your life.
Again, forgiveness is for you. Not for the other party involved. It’s for you to release yourself from the hurt and bitterness you may have stored up inside of you.
The devil will always be in your ear trying to trigger madness, bitterness and resentment in your spirit. Because as long as you’re focusing on hating someone that you need to forgive, you’re not having the correct heart posture or allowing yourself to be sensitive enough to hear from the Holy Spirit. The enemy wants nothing more than to keep you from the blessings and promises of God. When your heart is filled with rage, it leaves no room for grace and peace. It leaves no room for the vulnerable version of you who God can speak a word to.
To Forgive or Not to Forgive
When it all comes down to it, it’s up to you to measure whether holding a grudge and resentment in your heart is worth sacrificing for. And I know, being the bigger person all the time sucks. But there is nothing you can do about the behavior of some people. You are only responsible for yourself and the way you react.
Yvonne Orji said it best on the Woman Evolve Podcast: “don’t let it beat you twice.”
People will go on and live their life while you’re dwelling in what they did or said about you. You’re blocking your own blessings and letting their actions consume everything that could be going well in your life.
I’ve learned to forgive myself for allowing unforgiveness to haunt my space for awhile. And when I finally forgave myself, it opened the floodgates to have space to forgive others as well.
I pray you learn to let go for the sake of your peace of mind and for your purpose in this world.
XOXO Rickeshia
