How To Grieve The Old You In A Positive Way

Out with the old you and in with the new healed and whole version of you. That’s how the saying goes, right?

But before we step into that healed and whole version, we must acknowledge the little human that got us here.

Whether you’re feeling stuck in the “I thought my life would be different by now” phase of life or you’re grieving the version of you before that trauma.

The in-betweens of life is such a gloriously sticky place to be.

I empathize and resonate fully. I’ve been stuck in the in-between on and off for a good 5 years now. Just check out Surviving Your 20s: Quarter Life Crisis if you don’t believe me.

Although grieving your old self and the life you thought you’d have may not be the easiest thing in the world, it’s the thing that’s going to catapult you into a greater life. It’s going to be tough. Tears may be shed, and you might raise a brow at some of my advice. But healing is a weird journey where weird things happen, so let’s get weird.

Getting Real About The Old You

Let’s just be real and rip the band-aid off now: that version of you is NEVER coming back.

I know, I know. Deep breaths.

But it is true. We can read all of the self-help books, pray all of the prayers and go to therapy as much as we want. But the old you is long gone, and they’re never coming back. At least not in the way you once knew them.

For so long I beat myself up because I kept trying to make myself fit into the box that was my old life. My old thoughts, old confidence, old habits, even my old naivete. I beat myself up because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be the innocent teenager that I was before assault and abuse. I couldn’t just go about my life and act like it never happened. Because it did in fact happen, and it completely uprooted things for me.

From my own experiences, I’ve learned that the resistance to let go of that version of ourselves is what keeps us bound. We have a detrimental loyalty to our old lives and older selves because releasing them feels too much like we’re forgetting them.

But it’s not that we are forgetting them, there is no way other than amnesia to forget them. That version of you stuck, and they taught you everything you know today.

And maybe your experience isn’t as drastic as being on the other side of trauma. Maybe you’ve just found yourself in the in-betweens of getting older. Not a party animal anymore, but not fully equipped to step into the new version of yourself yet.

Wherever you are in the hallways of life, these tips for grieving your old life can still apply for you too. ☺️

Tips For Grieving Your Old Self

1. Write a letter to the old you. This one may be more common than others, but it still works. Writing a letter that highlights your highs could bring back good memories that are often overshadowed by so much change or trauma. It’s important to end the letter by thanking the old you for helping you survive the lows. Because the highs can’t be high if there were no lows. Reassure your younger self that you can take it from here and they can relax.
2. Make a pros and cons list of your new life. What are the things you like and dislike about this new life? It helps to get brutally honest with yourself and even be uncomfortable with your answers.
3. Figure out who and what you like now. One of the most liberating things in accepting a newer version of yourself is getting to know that person. Sometimes we’re wired to give the same routine responses when thinking about what we like because that’s all we’ve known. For a person who used to love trap music, maybe you’ve figured out that you actually love jazz and lo-fi now. Instead of going out for drinks on the weekends, maybe going to museums is your thing now. Whatever it may be, it helps to have a list for those lonely days (because you will have lonely days) when you feel like reverting back to your old self.
4. Hold a funeral for your past. I know it sounds weird, but like I said, healing is a weird journey. This is the perfect time to reflect on all of the things that are transitioning in life. It helps to gather old photos and videos from the past, especially from any significant moments. It’s okay to burn them or bury them. If you really want to go all out, create a slideshow, dress up and attend the funeral of your past. When it’s all said and done, delete it forever. The goal is to create an environment that symbolizes an end or death to the past.

Let The Old You Go

And now the next step forward is forward. You’ve given your past enough closure to let them go safely and wholly. The letter to your past is already finished; now is the time to write a letter to your future. Reveal to them what goals you have, your new hobbies, what makes you you, and what their life will look like in the next year or so.

It’s time to step into your sequel.

Forward my love. Forward.