The Grit and Grace Of Feeling Unqualified In Life

I went to bed with tears, an aching spirit and feeling unqualified for my walk with God.

It’s was one of those weeks. You know those weeks I’m talking about; when life just seems to keep knocking the wind out of you.

I felt completely discouraged in my faith and in life. My social battery was shot, my emotions were everywhere. And there would be no 20 something year old meltdown if something didn’t get caught on a door handle or break when I’m already in a bad mood. My blinds had gotten stuck when I was pulling them down and I gave the cord a gentle tug. And just like that, it snapped. That was symbolic of how I was feeling at the moment, stuck and at my breaking point.

I immediately did the loudest, annoyed sigh and wiped my eyes on the way to bed that night. I felt so deflated and defeated as I wondered, “when does it get better for me?”

Prior to my temper tantrum, I allowed a whirlwind of negative thoughts to infiltrate my mind.

My bills keep increasing. Maybe I should get a second job.

I can’t seem to connect with anyone I’ve tried dating. Maybe the person I want isn’t out there and I’m asking for too much.

When do I get to transition from my now to my next? I’m feeling like this is a never-ending cycle of stagnation.

Should I just throw my hands up when it comes to having hope and faith?

Which leads me to Gideon in Judges 6.

Feeling Unqualified

“When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”

“Pardon me, my Lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.””

Judges 6:12-13 NIV

I had the same sentiments as Gideon. If God is good and his promises are yes & amen, where is the fruit? Where are the promises and desires of my heart that God said would come to pass? Where are all the miracles, signs and wonders that TD Jakes preached about on Sunday?

When life seems to be throwing you blow after blow, it’s easy to try to shield your face. It’s easy to cover yourself in such a way that you don’t hurt more. And it’s the same in our faith. When God seems quiet and like He doesn’t know what He’s doing, we question, doubt and try to throw in the towel.

“The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”

“Pardon me, my Lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.””

Judges 6:14-15 NIV

Again Gideon reminded me of myself. As God is constantly reminding me of His presence on my journey, I have rebuttals. The rebuttals I’ve been telling myself lately go a lot like this:

“I don’t have the resources and financial literacy that others have.”

“There was no one in my family to go ahead of me and show me how to do it.”

“Everything seems to just be harder for me Lord.”

I continue rattling off a list of things that I don’t have and how I don’t feel qualified to be called.

But God whispered something that touched my heart with a slight sting.

Grit Comes With Glory

You want everything easy peasy.

And I did. I wanted things to work out my way, how and when I wanted them to. And if they didn’t, I would be frustrated with God and insecure that they hadn’t come to pass yet.

It’s okay, I know none of my readers have ever felt this way. I don’t mind being out here alone, vulnerable and transparent.

But what I love about God is He corrects, but He also binds up (Job 5:17-18).

After the sting, He began to download the why. The reasons why things had to be a little harder for me.

In Judges 7, Gideon starts out with an army of 20,000 men to fight against Midian. God shrinks his army to 10,000 and then all the way down to 300 men. His reasoning:

“The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’”

Judges 7:2 NIV

God isn’t making things hard on purpose, for no reason at all. He doesn’t want us to be worn out, discouraged or feeling unqualified.

But He does make sure He gets the glory.

As I was throwing out all of my rebuttals about how I was feeling unqualified, God spoke. He told me that He couldn’t give me the resources and the people to go ahead of me. Because then I would think the blessings were because of me. I would think I hustled up on them or I got lucky.

Sometimes God puts us in hard spaces because He has to make sure He gets the glory and He is our only resource.

There’s grit that comes with His grace and glory.