Non-Negotiables: 5 Reasons Why They’re A Dating Must

I never want to go back to a time in dating when I didn’t have non-negotiables.

If you’re anything like me, it’s very likely you had no idea that this precious term existed. And you were probably dating aimlessly. Blindly. Like trying to hit a home run with drunk goggles on. Those days are over; we’re leveling up. Let me help you out.

The term is pretty self-explanatory, but a simplified definition would be character traits or qualities of your potential mate that you absolutely aren’t willing to settle on. That’s right, no letting up bestie.

No, it’s not “he has to have a beard and be 6’5” or “she has to have a big booty.”

Non-negotiables are for grown-ups who are trying to be more intentional about dating. As you get older, dating isn’t just about how good looking they are, how well you mesh while watching Netflix. It isn’t about if you have the same friend circle. And unpopular opinion coming at you in 3,2,1..it isn’t about looking like a power couple together. Learning to intentionally date isn’t for the weak, but keep reading to learn why having non-negotiables when dating is very imperative.

1. No More Wasted Time

This may be one of the most gratifying reasons why having non-negotiables in dating is a must. One of the hardest things in dating is feeling like you’ve wasted time on someone who wasn’t worth it. If you already have a set list of what you absolutely want and/or won’t settle for then it is easier to weed out the bad apples. For example, let’s say you want someone who wants kids. If you come across someone who doesn’t want kids, you know he doesn’t check all of your boxes so it’s easier to let him go. It’s brutal and sometimes hard because it also requires you to establish boundaries, but time is money people.

2. Goodbye to Blindly Dating

Remember signing up for classes in college? Especially the classes that were directly tied to your major. Most of them had prerequisites, which were classes that were required before being able to enroll in other classes. The days of dating with no prerequisites are over honey. You have standards now. We are no longer throwing a softball down a dark alley and expecting to hit a home run at some point. When you go into the dating mine-field, you have to have armor to back yourself up. If you have non-negotiables, you have standards and a target to aim at. You’re not just shooting your shot in random directions and hoping anyone or anything will stick one day.

3. The Days of “Potential” Are Over

Allow me to tell you what we have a really bad habit of doing.

Dating based off of someone’s potential, a.k.a. the fantasy version of someone that we made up in our crazy little heads. Dating someone’s potential is not realistic. I know. I’d offer you a Kleenex for your tears but I’m unsure how to do that virtually. Okay, FOCUS.

In this case you would be dating who they could become if they were everything you wanted them to be, not who they actually are. Say you have sour cream in front of you, but you want cheesecake. You’re not going to be able to Matilda-stare the sour cream down and turn it into cheesecake. It’s still sour cream. With potential, you’re not going to be able to imagine this person into being your perfect person. Have faith in your non-negotiables list. Having standards and not settling for anything less than your list means they already have the most important qualities you are looking for. They will have already checked off the main things on your list and you can focus on the more negotiable things, like flats or drums.

4. Self-Love

This one is overly-expressed, but for good reason. Self-love is absolutely the best love besties. When you have self-love, standards and respect for yourself, you are showing people how they will and will not treat you. Having self-love means having boundaries in dating and just in general. I’ve learned that loving yourself and respecting your own boundaries saves you from a lot of wasted time in any kind of relationship. And it gives you a glow that highlighter can’t give you. If someone can’t respect you and your boundaries, you know right away they’re not worth it. Move along.

5. Non-Negotiables Help With Self-Reflection

Last on the list, but of equal importance: self-reflection.

Don’t run bestie. Face it. Come back, it’s okay.

One of the last reasons why having non-negotiables when dating is a must is because it gives you the opportunity to self-reflect. And we can all use a little self-reflection these days. If you are asking for everything that is on your non-negotiables list, you should be certain that you have those qualities as well. Don’t expect someone to have all of these amazing qualities and you’re not bringing anything to the table. Not even a napkin. It’s weird to ask for a God-fearing man if you’re in the club every weekend and have no intentions of picking up a bible. It sounds a little crazy to want a submissive woman if you’re heading to lead my homegirl in a ditch because you can’t lead.

Self-reflection helps you learn more about yourself and presents the areas where you have an opportunity for growth.

Examples:

So we’ve covered why you should have non-negotiables, but let’s take a quick trip over what your list could entail.

• Shared Religion/Spirituality
• Same Political Viewpoint
• Finances — Do you require someone who makes more $ than you/ do you want to be the breadwinner
• Wants/Doesn’t Children, Family Oriented
• Romantic
• Ambition

Of course these are all just examples. Ultimately it is your job to make up your own list that caters to your wants/needs in a relationship. I think it is very important to sit down and consider what your non-negotiables are before dating (a list of at least 5). Not only do they help with being a little more introspective, they also give you clarity to confidently move forward in the dating world with intentionality and grace. I’d also like to throw in my last two cents and say: consistency, respect and honesty are the bare minimum. Don’t confuse what should already be a no-brainer for a non-negotiable. If you’re still unclear on some examples, I have included a video to better help you.

Xoxo,

Rickeshia